SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.