Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
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God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.