Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.