Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
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I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.