My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I cannot stop laughing at this
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”