Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
You Might Also Like
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Made something I’m not proud of
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”