If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof