Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Wait for it
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.