therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
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Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
who will stop them
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
The little toadstool has spoken.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Just grow your own
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?