This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
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Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.