“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
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the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
seems like a niche market
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.