My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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