I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?