I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.