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If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
(Jupiter –
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate