Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators