Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
You Might Also Like
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.