I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
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me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Breaking news:
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah