HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
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I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Meow
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
🤣🤣
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Chicago sounds lovely.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.