If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
why would tinder want me to say this
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
work smarter, not harder
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.