Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
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“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot