Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
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The pasta is now
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I get distracted pretty eas
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving