Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
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Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.