Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
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If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Stop it! 😂
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
jesus christ confetti not now
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.