how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
You Might Also Like
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking