therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
You Might Also Like
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
happy mother’s day❤️
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT