Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
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If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?