Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.