Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.