Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
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I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
where the womens at?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.