“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
where the womens at?
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.