Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
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Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
oh u like history? name everything that happened
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️