If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
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You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
#Caturday
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.