I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
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detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.