Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.