Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word