WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean