My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
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NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.