-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
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Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi