The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal