Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Don’t forget to tip your server