me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
You Might Also Like
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Raisins are grape jerky.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.