I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
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Breaking news:
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.