I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
yea so i messed up lol
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas