Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My boss called in sick of me
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Does it…does it take 3 days
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.