Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
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Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.