I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
You Might Also Like
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”