Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
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*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
So the ex texted me
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking