Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
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The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. Itâs my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I’m a:
âȘman
âȘwoman
đcowboyOn a:
âȘskateboard
âȘcarpet
đsteel horseI:
âȘshred
âȘfly
đrideI’m wanted (wanted):
đdead
đalive
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
đ ACME
âđ Traps
âđElaborate traps
âđ Roadrunner traps
âđElaborate roadrunner traps that work
ââ ïž This folder is empty
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, Iâve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
âWeâll call youâ – OH NO
âYou call usâ – OH NO
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didnât even budge.