My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
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cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar